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What I learned about women and relationships

Written for Quora: What did you learn from previous relationships?

Mastery of the interaction with women is not an piece of cake task for any man. People say that men are from Mars and women are from Venus and indeed at times, it feels that nosotros are entirely different species not able to discover a common language.

There are some things that I learned the hard way (nonetheless learning to exist honest).

I will write this essay for my fellow men and I hope they will find something that will resonate with them, just I am secretly hoping that women volition read it through also and it will elucidate some mysteries of men'south psychology for them. After all, both parties want the same — to understand each other.

Ok, here we go.

Woman = emotions. Man = logic.

Failing to understand this leads to many troubles starting from the commencement stage — the seduction and during the evolution of relationship itself.

In a seduction phase, many men suck at finding a way to a woman'due south heart because they talk almost things like scientific discipline hoping to impress the girl with the intellect trying to tap into her rational part.

But that's not the intellect that touches the girl'southward middle, it is the passion with which a man speaks virtually his ideas. It's not what yous say. It is how you say information technology. Women seek emotions.

In the relationship itself, not knowing how to talk to a woman becomes the major obstacle in a fight.

Calling for woman's logic is futile.

Information technology's like throwing peas to a wall. Everything will bounce back.

No corporeality of reasoning and building up logical chains will convince a woman that is adamant to agree her position.

In most of the arguments, information technology is not personal, information technology is emotional.

She will stay statement-proof no matter what just because she feels this way at that particular moment.

She might change her feelings later but information technology is every bit unexplainable how information technology happens as it is unpredictable.

The main problem arises because

Men think of women like they think of themselves.

And women think of men like they think of themselves.

And that is the reason why we tin can't find a common language.

In social club to bargain with a woman, a homo should understand how her mind works.

Adult female'due south mind is "circles". Man'south mind is a "straight line".

Men's logic is deductive. Retrieve Sherlock Holmes? This is the way men think. Straight line. A so-called logical chain that I mentioned.

If A=B, and B=C, then A=C.

Always straightforward. A line →

Using this logic, man'southward heed can build complex concepts under the guidance of first principles of thinking. We believe in things only when we can prove them in practise. We don't trust someones' opinions unless a person possesses a trustworthy expertise. We believe in science and use the scientific method.

Women'southward logic is inductive. A adult female is thinking in circles — circles of clan. It's a real mystery for men how the process works. This is a simple moving picture for the sake of being more illustrative:

A woman looks at one event/concept and brings upward the whole semantic network associated with information technology — classes, sub-classes, associated concepts (blue squares in the pocket-sized circle)

She picks the concept betoken (frequently it is the worst case scenario) in the network (Concept one) and builds up some other circle of associations effectually it. This process tin be repeated again (Concept ii) and again (Concept iii) bringing a woman to a conclusion through the logical path that is subconscious for men.

Example:

Let'due south say, y'all bought and brought home actually minor potatoes 🍠→She is pissed off by how minor the potatoes are😠 But what you hear is: "You want me to stay in the kitchen all the fourth dimension?!" And the next head-shot 😠💢→ "Do you think I am your slave?!"

Not my best instance but I hope you could see that THERE IS a certain logic in what a adult female says.

About of the times men miss the point when the shit hits the fan. Nosotros neglect to see the logic behind these seemingly unrelated things. In a woman's brain, they make perfect sense. And that is the reason why,

Men argue with facts and women contend with conclusions.

(And this is why I am the ane who cooks at home 😅).

Women are impulsive. Men are abstinent.

Women'south impulsiveness comes from their emotional reactivity to external stimuli.

A woman may exist dislocated by a pick which pocketbook to purchase: "should I purchase a ruby-red i or a bluish one?" And equally a effect, buy a pair of jeans.

Feelings over logic. We, men, volition fail to explain this.

She might get and spend all her money on clothes or she may buy cosmetics for 100$. Two days later on she might tell you that she ran out of money and needs some assistance. The just reasoning she will provide is "omg are you kidding me, we admittedly need it!"

No dear, we demand nutrient to put in our mouths and we need a roof over our heads. Makeup and raggery are not on my human being's list of must-have stuff for survival. And that's another difference:

Men are designed for survival. Women are designed to sustain Life.

Of course, nosotros admit that a adult female in a cute dress with a well-done makeup shines our solar day and gives u.s.a. inspiration which is absolutely necessary and I am surely not saying that 100% of women are bad at managing personal finances. Nosotros, men, just have a hard time justifying the prioritization of women's expenses.

Women like to talk about relationships. Men talk most ideas.

Men and women neglect to find a mutual basis in their discussions. Men, at least the men I prefer to surround myself with, love to talk about ideas, they talk about concepts, what is done and what can exist done in the world.

Women, in general, will exist much more interested in such topics as relationship dynamics and people in her life.

This is one of the common places where things go sideways.

I learned that one of the secrets of a good for you relationship is to

do things together, create a common vision of the future and execute on it.

Then make these things the major topics for discussions.

Of class, it volition be impossible to avert arguments but at least it the strategy of a life together is something that both parties are interested in.

Women don't love superheroes. They love those who have intendance of them.

I used to think that women dear hot guys or rich guys or both. Obviously, money and appearance are important but what I discovered is that in reality, the most important thing for a adult female is to see that a man is taking care of her.

When a man can exist of sincere and thoughtful service, without losing his dignity, of course, information technology is noted by a woman and appreciated at the highest level.

From my relationships and all relationships around me, I learned that a woman can tolerate nigh everything in a homo for this unmarried quality.

Woman'due south attending is multi-spacial. Man'due south attention is "tunneled".

Men are hunters. Nature designed u.s. in a way so that we tin focus on ane thing at a time. We have "tunnel" vision and "tunnel " attending. If a woman needs to ask a question during the dinner she has to plough off that TV.

Human's brain is designed in a way that information technology automatically cuts off the data that is out of the focus. When nosotros are focused on a task at hand, we simply don't hear what women say.

Women's attention is the whole opposite and this is why women are so insanely good at multitasking. A woman can talk over the latest events on the phone with a friend, watch TV, mix a soup on a gas range with 1 hand and give her son doing his lessons some hearty slaps upside his caput with the other. No human being can perchance compete with this level of performance.

Agreement of this divergence is of import as it is a foundation to elaborate the right way of interaction with the opposite gender.

Women need attention. Men need space.

In that location is something that women need to understand well-nigh men.

A homo has his mission. He has his personal war to become to, he has his demons to fight, dragons to slay.

A man can't give all of his time to a woman i.e. to his family unit.

If he doesn't do "his thing" he stops beingness a man.

For a woman, on the contrary, the love/relationship/family is "that thing".

I learned that a healthy relationship is the i where adult female understands and respects human being'due south needs for some infinite, time and periods of isolation when he tin can concentrate on his endeavors.

In response, a man should make a dedicated time when his woman and family accept the spotlight of his attention without any distractions by other deeds.

Men are elementary. Women are complex.

Men are simple. Seriously, you can make a man happy by doing three simple things: giving him time and space to deliver and monetize the value past doing what he loves, making sure that his stomach is total and balls are empty.

This is a very crude approximation just information technology wraps upwards basic men'south needs in a nutshell and would be quite enough to proceed a man content with his relationship.

Women are bloody complicated. How many times did you accept moments when a adult female says: "I want something. But I don't know what information technology is"?

At the moment of hearing that, every man is internalizing the Jackie Chan face. 👇

There are and so many things a human should be considerate about. I volition not fifty-fifty dare to dive into the depth of information technology.

I volition only take a look at some major things.

Bro,

Don't contend with her.

Long story short. She will be mad. You lot volition be forced to apologize.

Inside a couple, yous have a 95% of capabilities for a compromise so it is you lot in 95% of the cases who will be responsible for the first stride towards mitigating the conflict coming up with apologies.

When yous fight never exit the fight unfinished.

Every fourth dimension there is a fight there should be a peaceful resolution. The worst thing to practice is to walk away from each other when you go mad spending your time alone with unresolved conflict in the heart.

The longer you stay apart the bigger is the gap between you. All the negative doubts and thoughts that will popular up such as " She doesn't respect me! She doesn't appreciate what I do for her", "she is not the only i woman on earth", "I can find someone better than this ungrateful bowwow" and "I should break up with her" volition further aggravate the situation and put your relationship nether the risk.

Strive for immediate resolution.

Stop the war before it starts.

Take the "preemptive strike". If you know that y'all made her mad and the explosion is seconds abroad. Don't allow her start humid. Elevator her up in the air and swing similar a little girl. She will really experience like a little girl and won't be able to help it merely laugh. Shut her oral cavity with a kiss, not a counter-argument.

Keep the burn down.

Make gifts. Fifty-fifty something pocket-sized insignificant just unexpected. Proceed her surprised. It tin can exist a fiddling matter worth 10$ just she will appreciate the fact that you thought of her. The surprise is the key.

Note for men :
If a woman doesn't limited her gratitude for what you practice for her, interruption up with the bitch and never come back.

Note for women :
If a man doesn't make gifts and surprises for you, dump the moron and never come up back.

Go along in mind, a man will hesitate to do anything if you Inquire for it. When you kickoff request it stops being a souvenir, information technology becomes an order. The difference in free energy that human experiences betwixt "I want to do something for you" and "I owe yous something" is dramatic and defines the outcome. If you desire to brand something happen just mention it and your man volition surprise you. If he won't it's own't your homo. Read the notation once more.

Discover a helper.

The primary role that a human should seek in a adult female choosing a wife is a role of a "helper".

Your woman should be by your side when you demand her, she should instill the calmness in y'all that when you deploy for your Man's mission your homefront is secure and kids are safety.

In a family, a man and a woman don't walk hand in mitt. I partner is in the front taking the punches of the world and another is bankroll upward. When you are shooting your enemies with a machine gun you need a woman that volition pass you the ammo.

Sexual compatibility is disquisitional.

If a woman and a man do not friction match in the bedroom this wedlock is doomed. Find someone with similar tastes and appetites.

Breakup.

If yous know that the relationship has no future it's time for a breakup.

Mature men never suspension upwards by walking away.

Women can do that. They can break up with you by disappearing and ignoring you. They recollect "he is non an idiot, he volition go information technology". And indeed you are not. If you lot experience this, allow her go. It's not a sustainable style of ending the relationship, but as men, we forgive them, just because they are women.

Never do information technology on the phone or fifty-fifty worse by text letters. Face her. Meet in a place where at that place are people so that she will hesitate to be too emotional in public. But too select a place so your conversation keeps private.

In that location volition be many tears and two broken hearts and then mitigate the pain by reframing the blame—tell her "it's me, not you". Again, mature people understand that a breakup is non someone's fault, both partners are responsible. Tell her that y'all will be always there for her if she needs something but allow her know that it is amend for you lot not to see each other for some time. Chances are you lot she volition never contact y'all once more.

Redefine Beloved.

This is the extract from another essay simply I think it is the reminder of it fits the context.

Dear.

This give-and-take is overused.

There was always as well much hype virtually love. There are as many definitions of dearest as there are people on this planet making information technology a very abstract thing to talk most.

Abstract things are impractical, they don't tell me what to do. They don't teach me how to go along my relationships sustainable.

There are no guidelines on how to learn how to honey. Just there is one matter that I tin learn — I tin learn how to serve

Service is the thing that helps families stay strong at dark times. Service is unconditional.

Service is something as unproblematic every bit seeing the dirty dishes in the sink and washing them without mentioning it. Service is taking intendance of my wife when she is sick. Service is taking care of parents and raising children. Service is sacrificing my ain resources for the do good of my friend.

I struggle to find a definition of love, and possibly, just maybe, I don't need to know it at all. All I demand is the service, and that solitary will be plenty.

Service is what I larn in my relationship and I meet and appreciate every sacrifice that my partner does for me. I believe this is the secret of all happy families.

Final words

Knowledge of interpersonal psychology makes things more complicated merely the application easier.

I promise that you learned something new in this essay and it will help you lot to grow your relationship strong and avert some of the mistakes I did.

Love and be loved.

❓ Exercise you take a question? Ask me! I answer daily on Quora.

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Source: https://chengeer.medium.com/what-i-learned-about-women-and-relationships-c9ed8cec10a3